Do You Want To Be Captivating?

I was horrified a few weeks ago as I looked through an old photo album with pictures from a camping trip at the beach. I said to my mom “That’s not right! Why didn’t somebody help me out? Make a suggestion at least!” Now I know we all go through some awkward years, but I did not come around until the end of college. I needed some help.

A friend of mine always tells me, “Ya know, I’m more than just beautiful biceps,” which he very much is. However, a few days ago he said to me, “You’re more than just brains;” which he said as I was sweating on the treadmill in over sized workout clothes. That comment made me think a little. What in that moment did I have that I apparently lacked for so many years? It certainly wasn’t my attire. As of late I have been determined to convey my intelligence above all else. I do not want to be treated as some guy’s trophy piece so I make it very clear that I am not a hot chic without any thoughts of my own. Perhaps, I can grab a hold of both, being sexy and intelligently classy and simply be captivating. What is it that makes a woman sexy and hot while she’s classy and intelligent all at the same time?

Society tells us we have to be perfectly in shape, have a large bust size, reveal everything that we have and not leave anything up to the imagination. Just give it all up and flaunt it. That is sexy. We are bombarded by ads of woman in seductive poses to tantalize men’s visual senses. So there are two extremes; the exposing one of society and the other that stubbornly tells us to keep that sex appeal completely hidden so people will know we achieved what we have so far because of our brains. I believe both extremes are off the mark. We should not reveal it all or hide it either, but we should embrace who we are and what we have as women.

I have found that it takes an inner confidence, overall health and your own subtle nuances to be sexy. First of all, discover what makes you who you are: what you believe in and stand for; figure out your thoughts and opinions on issues that you are passionate about; make a list of all that is good about you, what you love about yourself. Your confidence will soar when you put to paper all that you have to offer. Just so you know you do have a unique combination of qualities and gifts that are special to you.

Engage in healthy activities: go for an afternoon walk and give yourself some time to think; eat a salad full of your favorite veggies; refresh yourself with plenty of water; play tennis with your girlfriends. Mental activities are healthy and stimulating, as well. Read a book to further your education on something that interests you; watch ‘I love Lucy’ reruns if you have not had a good laugh in awhile.

Decide what makes you feel sexy: clothes that show off your shape and personal style; what perfume has ‘you’ written all over it; take a bubble bath, point your toe and put your leg up on the side of the tub just for fun; wink at your husband from across the room; dye your hair a new shade to catch the hazel flakes in your eyes. When you know what makes you feel sexy you will be sexy. Use all your senses and remind yourself just how passionate you are.

Now, just because you want people to know you are smart does not mean you cannot put on that strapless summer dress and heals and enter that party with your head held high, your skin moisturized and that new hue of lipstick. Once they marvel at how awesome you look you can then surprise them with meaningful and insightful conversation.

I think for some time I have underestimated the power that comes from feeling sexy as a woman. But perhaps developing my thoughts, using my brains and having a moral standard is partly what makes me sexy. The more I realize how much I have to offer and feel great about myself the sexier I feel and I am fully able to express my intelligence.

We do not have to wear a short skirt to be sexy or pretend like we do not understand something to get attention and generate conversation. We can dress classy and add knowledge to conversations all the while feeling sexy. We can be captivating.

Will You Stay and Stand?

When the storm comes; will you stand by his side? When she’s not perfect or makes a mistake will you stay? Theirs is a real life love story that should be told. Not because they lived some grand life or were separated for years and then found each other again, but because the love they share has endured the test of time; only to grow stronger with each passing moment. Here they come, now. Slowly making their way up the concrete walk with his hand beneath her elbow; guiding her now imbalanced body. “Well, hot dog! We made it!” I love that wonderfully familiar phrase that still holds a hint of a southern accent. That’s my Grandpa and the woman on his arm is my Grandma. Fortunately, his dry humor and splendor has not wilted, even though he now cares for my grandma who has Alzheimer’s disease.

According to Wikipedia.org, “Alzheimer’s is a neurodegenerative disease characterized by progressive cognitive deterioration together with declining activities of daily living and neuropsychiatric symptoms or behavioral changes.” A storm that creeps up on you slowly, that last for many years and takes the one you love before their body has gone.

I have watched my Grandpa care for my Grandma as her symptoms have become progressively worse over the last eight or so years. As hard as it is to see her look older and older and have her not know who we are, there is sweetness, a sobering peace in how he cares for her even though the beauty and wit of her youth has faded.

They have been married for some 55 years. Grandpa is a stern, but fun loving man who took us to Miwock Park and spun us on the tire swing until we almost lost our lunch. He has spent years stuffing us full of strawberry shortcake and soda pop. He can roast a marshmallow over the fire until it’s perfectly golden brown. I usually catch mine on fire!

What made my Grandma such a gem was her beauty, charm and good sense of humor. Once she got to laughing she couldn’t stop. We would be sitting at the house hours after a silly incident and all the sudden she’d start laughing about it, which pulled us all back into fits of laughing hysteria. She was witty; surprisingly witty. She reminded me of a movie star from the 1940’s; incredibly beautiful.

One of the best moments still talked about today is the one particular trip to McDonald's. My brother and I used to get so stinking excited to go to McDonald's with my Grandparents and for whatever reason, it is beyond me, we would eat our happy meals in the car, parked in the parking lot. But it didn’t matter because we would laugh and eat and just have a blast. This one time my Grandma could not get the ketchup package open for the life of her. So, she tore it with both hands and the ketchup went flying! All over her, all over the seat and some even flew into the back with us. We just laughed and laughed until we couldn’t breathe.

Grandpa always talked to her in a very respectful and gentle way. He would open the door for her and place his hand on the small of her back to guide her in like the lady she was. They would go everywhere together. They traveled across the country back to our Arkansas roots dozens of times and took us camping at the lake every summer. I don’t think I have ever seen them upset with one another. Now, I am sure they have had their moments behind closed doors just like us all, but they were best friends and confidants. They actually wanted and needed to be with each other. He would smile at her and listen when she talked. There was a secure comfort between them.

She now gets mad and tells whoever is laughing too loud to ‘Shut up!’ which with my family that happens often. She does not like load noises. She can get very hostile and very angry at times. He struggles to get her up and going some mornings. My Grandpa has seen his precious lady divert back to child-like behaviors. He now has to feed her and bathe her; which he does on his own. He does not want to leave her in the care of a stranger. He tells me “We’re doing pretty good today. She has a good appetite. She didn’t want to eat at first but once she got going she ate pretty good.” That’s a good day.

She does not know who he is anymore. She knows he is the man who cares for her, but that is it. How sad that must be when the person you used to tell everything can no longer comprehend your words. Even though he has a full time job of caring for her every need he still treats her like a lady, speaks softly to her, includes her in conversations and makes sure she gets desert with every body else. He still looks at her with tenderness in his eye and an affection that could only hold on between two people who love each other deeply.

Her hair has grayed, her skin has wrinkled, and her mind has wandered, but she’s still beautiful to him. The beauty lies in the relationship; in the loyalty and the precious care.

His dedication and perseverance to her is honorable and admirable. From time to time, talking with him on the phone, I hear the pain in his voice and how tired he really is. However, he is blessed by his burden because he loves her and he will stay and stand through the storm, until the end. Isn’t this what we all want and need to know; will you stay and stand with me?

Are You Who You Were Meant To Be?

Is who we are meant to be in us from the day we were born? Do we let the ways of this world and the people we associate with determine for us whether or not we will follow the path to that destiny? I have always found it profound how certain things that I have hoped for, dreamed of and desired in life keep coming back to me. I seem to be reminded over and over again we all have a choice to follow the amenable desires of our hearts or all that others desire for us. Whichever path we choose to take we will never escape the one we were meant to follow, it will pursue us until we decide to turn from the unsuitable association and the wrong environments and walk down it.

I traveled North this past weekend to spend some time with my parents, grandparents, old friends and any one else I could squeeze into a four day visit. Every time I visit, my mom reminds me of the two drawers in the wood desk in my old room that are filled with old papers and what she refers to as ‘junk’. So, this trip I finally took a few free minutes to sit down and go through it all.

The drawer was filled with pictures from elementary school and junior high; an old 4-H record book; large belt buckles from my days of wranglers and boots; my purple sash that I wore as the Sonoma County Pork Producers Princess…Yes, I raised Pork; a script from one of my high school plays in a worn out, purple folder. There in that shabby folder is where I found it.

There it was on one sheet of binder paper, written in pencil, front and back. The beginnings of my novel and the very first thing I had ever written on my own. It had come back to me. I had wanted to be a writer since I was thirteen years old. Somewhere between thirteen and my mid twenties I had forgotten.

I was in the eighth grade and I had brought the beginnings of the novel to my English Teacher and wanted her to read it and tell me what she thought. I remember very clearly she had said “What do you want me to do with this? This isn’t an assignment” and she handed it back to me. She apparently did not have the time to be bothered. With a crushed spirit, I put the writing in a folder and there it sat in my closet for some time. To my utter despair the folder was thrown out on a closet clean up day with all the other ‘junk.’ In an attempt to recreate the novel, I had written down all I could remember in one sitting and that is what I held in my hands; the remnants of my first writings.

What I find fascinating is not only had I wanted to be a writer, some thirteen years ago, but the writing reflects very much who I am at heart today and who I have always been. As a thirteen year old girl I thought and wrote with some interesting insight.

I spoke in first person as the character, Ivy Marquette. “…They (my older sisters) were going to marry for money and riches, myself for love. My father is a well known spice trader. He has traveled far and wide, bringing back only a small taste of the enchanted world beyond. My mother is a pottery maker, as well as a wonderful mother and devoted wife.” I still believe in love. It is easy to become cynical about love in this day and age however, the idea of true, deep, lasting, love will not leave me and I will not let it go. I still believe in devoted wives and husbands and that loyalty is a virtue worth holding on to. I continue to be a hopeless romantic.

I have always felt in me a need to create and do something, anything, meaningful with my life. “I wanted to create something as my mother did and have a way to express myself. At the age of ten I began making beaded jewelry and studying dance with a worn out (retired) gypsy. For six years I studied and learned many dances, until the desire to see the world took over. A traveling caravan of gypsies came through town one day and as fast as the wind carries a feather I was whisked away on a life long adventure.” It is alright if you laugh. I did. To be perfectly honest, I do not desire to be a traveling gypsy. As a matter of fact, when I come back from a trip I cannot wait to step foot in my house and just be home for awhile. Although, the excitement of wanting an overall adventurous life remains and I began expressing myself in high school by acting in the school plays and graduated college with a degree in Theatre Arts. I relish in the challenges that arise during the creation of a play. Most importantly, I hold tight to the fact that whatever you want to be in life is possible. Oh, and I love to dance.

I also, care for people and enjoy being a part of people’s lives and listening to them tell their stories about how they came to be who they are today. “I traveled to greater places, across vast bodies of water and felt the winds of many exotic and mystical areas on my face. Each one having a story to go with it. I remember clearly the last few years as the most remarkable. As we had become a part of the people’s lives, just by the chance of us passing through.” With each step I take and each person I encounter I affect them in some way, therefore I must be kind to everyone I meet because I might not get the chance again. I desire to be a positive influence in the lives of those I know and uplift them.

The content of my novel is very close to my heart. However, there have been times that I have forgotten or let go of those ideals. The world through my experiences and through what other people believe around me, has told me that these ideals are not valid. People have tried to convince me that to be creative is not something that will pay the bills, therefore it has no value and that love is only in fairy tails and I should settle for whomever comes along no matter if he lives by the same principles as I do. My experiences have tried to sway me into believing people are not good and that they just want to hurt me. The negativity, critical nature and shallow gossiping of many have rubbed off on me on occasion, even for years at a time. But the most amazing thing has happened. I changed my association, which changes my experiences and leads me right back to where I started and right back to who I really am.

As I continue to associate with those who in spite of everything believe that goodness, happiness, love and adventure are available and are living it themselves, the more I hold tight to those beliefs. My heart is heavy for those I know who are million dollar people who want families and success in all areas of life, yet still associate with those who believe and act the opposite to what is really the core of who they are.

I have heard that if you stay in one place long enough you become that place. If you associate with certain people long enough you become like those people. However, if that is not whom you were intended to be; you will feel it. You will feel a soft yet penetrating tapping upon your heart that will never cease. The tapping may grow dull from time to time, but it will persist until you discover those who are like minded, who will lead you into significant experiences that will allow the unveiling who you really are.

How do we expect to obtain what we desire, if we associate and listen to people who do not have it and do not want us to have it?

The Voice That Cannot Be Heard

“Mom, I bet you are going to be surprised to see me. I have soft, olive skin and green eyes.”

Week 4 – The embryo’s heart has been beating for one week.

“Mom, I’m going to want to take ballet lessons and dance around the kitchen.”

Week 6 – The embryo is now moving and responds to touch.

"Mom, do you know when I grow up I am going to be a teacher. I’m going to teach kids who have learning disabilities. Mom, did you know I am going to make my students feel as if they can conquer the world.”

Week 10 – The fetus can now feel pain.

“Mom, I feel safe here inside you.”

Week 14- The mother can feel energetic movement.

“Mom, I have a lot of energy. I can’t wait to crawl and walk and run.”

Week 18 – The ears are now functioning and the baby can hear her mother’s voice.

"Mom, I have been tapping my foot to the music you play on the radio. Mom, did you know I rest in the sound of your voice. Mom, I love you. Do you love me?

Mom…Mom? Mom, what’s the matter? What is that? It hurts…Mom, it hurts!…Mom help me…Mom!?”…

The Mother’s cervix has been dilated. A sharp loop-shaped steel knife has been inserted inside the mother to dismember the child. Piece by piece the child is being pulled from her mother’s womb with forceps and arranged on a table. Any parts left inside the mother can cause a serious infection. Lastly, the child’s head is crushed and pulled through the cervix.

This type of abortion is know as Dilation and evacuation and is done after 12 weeks.

Whose choice is it? Who are we to make that choice for one who cannot be heard? Proverbs 31:8-9 wisely tells us “Speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves, for the rights of all who are destitute. Speak up and judge fairly; defend the rights of the poor and needy.” Who are we to decide that the world does not need this child? We do not know the destiny locked within her and what she can become.

I participated in Birth Choice’s ‘Walk for Life’ on April 29, 2007 in Temecula. It was a warm, very windy day, I was feeling lonely and I did not really want to be there. It was not until a young woman stood before us to speak with her adorable, curly haired baby girl on her hip it came into focus.

How alone someone must feel in that moment of decision. That moment when they decide whether to keep the life growing inside them or destroy it. The voice of that child could be the next President, fireman, entrepreneur, inventor, husband or mother; all of which can make an impact in someone’s life. The decision to set that voice free in this world or stifle it rests in her hands.

What if she feels alone and afraid? Doesn’t she have the right to choose?

What if the child will interrupt her life or she cannot afford to take care of the child?

She chose the instance she decided to have sex. The consequences of such actions are not hidden from us. There are pregnancy centers that are there for anyone seeking help in this seemingly overwhelming decision; they can provide financially, emotionally and even find a home for the child after birth.

At Birth Choice of Temecula they give soon to be mothers a choice to save life. They provide information, financial and emotional support. The young woman who spoke at the Walk for Life came to Birth Choice with a hard head, determined to have an abortion. Her mother had encouraged her to go. She now cannot imagine her life without her little girl.

Perhaps, we should ponder what this world would be like if your mother decided not to give you life.

Birth Choice of Temecula’s vision statement is “To prevent the destruction of human life while providing hope and healing to those affected by abortion.” There were many supporters who gathered that warm day, thousands of dollars were pledged and we walked.

Week 26 – The baby’s lungs are completely functioning and she can even cry.

We walked for the small voice inside a woman’s womb who at this very second is crying her first tear.

Week 30 – The child can recognize her mother’s voice.

We walked for the mother who needs hope and to feel the joy that only a child can bring.

Week 40 – The baby is now ready for life.

We walked for life and the protection of the innocent. We walked for those voices that cannot be heard. It is our responsibility to speak for those who cannot speak for themselves.

“Mom, I need you to help me tie my shoe. I don’t know which way the bunny runs around the tree.”

Let us choose life.

Please visit www.birthchoicetemecula.com for more information on abortion, unplanned pregnancy, adoption, their services and more.

How Long Will We Search?

How long will we search for real love? We continuously search for one person to bear witness to our life and love us unconditionally. We all want an ideal companion, we encounter person after person who we judge instantaneously as flawed and incompatible.

He’s too tall; she’s too needy; he’s too arrogant; she’s too quiet. We come up with excuses to get out of any relationship, even marriage, and the excuse always lays blame on the other person.

The truth is, we feel afraid and empty and we expect the other person to fill that void with imitation love which we derive from praise, power, pleasure and safety. Greg Baer, MD, in his book Real Love reveals “Real love is “I care how you feel.” Conditional love is “I like how you make me feel” (p. 8). We must learn to tell the truth about our past and our behaviors and allow people to accept us for who we are so we can put to rest our incessant search, and just love.

Most of us have never experienced Real Love and therefore do not know how to give it or receive it. Instead, as we grow up we learn to pile on imitation love. I grew up in a household very critical and demanding, you did what you were told. In truth my parents desired to feel unconditionally loved, but they had never experienced it. Being controlling and demanding gave them a temporary moment of power that made them feel alive and in control. They could pretend for just a moment that I was willing and acting out of love. However, that feeling is fleeting because I did not give it freely. I gave them what they wanted out of fear.

It is not for us to scoff at our parent’s abilities, as they did the best with what knowledge they had. Nevertheless, we are what we are, due to our past experiences. It is our job to learn from them and move forward. I learned through my experiences with imitation love how to keep myself safe and how to get what I want using the same behaviors that were passed down to me.

It is important for us to begin to tell the truth about those behaviors, which Baer refers to as our Getting and Protecting Behaviors. Those behaviors consist of lying, attacking, acting like a victim, running and clinging. Every time you modify what you want to say based on the possible disapproval of someone, or you say what you think someone wants to hear you are lying.

The most common form of attacking is anger, which is used to get someone to do what you want out of fear.

When you act like a victim you convince people that you have been treated wrongly.

“Withdrawing, avoiding people, leaving relationships, and being shy are all forms of running” (27).

When we give gifts and relentlessly tell someone we love them and need them we are clinging.

When I look at this list myself, I cringe because I think I may have implemented a little bit of each one in my last relationship. All in an attempt to have that person love me and perhaps he was not in a position to know how, want to or simply could not because I was not giving Real Love myself.

Now you know the various Getting and Protecting Behaviors you can start telling the truth about yourself. The truth about me is I use shyness and withdrawing as ways to protect myself. I have done it all my life. I would rather not say anything then risk disapproval or being yelled at. I also, attack with harsh words if I feel I am being attacked and on occasion I will attack to get what I want.

With all that acknowledged I have set out to correct my ways. I know there are people out there in the world who feel loved already and can accept me with all my flaws, able to help me to learn to love unconditionally. The more we tell the truth about ourselves to others who are capable of loving us, the more we will feel loved and are able to give it away. Only when you have removed those masks of praise, anger, shyness, lying and manipulation will someone be able to see you for who you really are and love you.

Real Love is inside of us. We no longer have to search for imitation love in other people. If we all just stopped trying to get and trying to have and just were ourselves we could all feel loved and fulfilled. Those of you who are fortunate to have someone in your life right now, just stop the madness and take a moment to tell the truth and if they are willing, help them tell the truth about themselves. We must learn to care about how our partner feels and not just what we are getting from them.

That exhaustable search will be over the moment we decide to stop pulling every bit of life from our partners because of our own lack of Real Love, and concern ourselves with their happiness. I wonder, how long it will take for us to get out of our own way and just love whom we have been given.